Dating in your thirties
Alternative title: Set yourself on fire: It's way easier and less painful.
After several months of no contact from my ex (and a world of getting my head straight after that train wreck), I finally decided that I felt ready to embark on the old "adventures in dating" life once again.
And then I had a bad date and crumble into a puddle of "I'm sure I can just stay single forever, right?! I mean, who needs human contact, anyway? And love? Psht. Way over rated."
Except it isn't. And so I'm back at it again.
My first date was a few weeks ago with a gentleman I met online. I'm not doing any of the traditional online dating sites (that's a whole other story for another time), but instead I've joined a few Facebook social groups. Occasionally there are events where you can meet people, and sometimes some witty banter in the group will lead to an exchange of messages. That's what happened when I started talking to "F".
We decided to go out on a Saturday night that I didn't have my daughter. I just so happened to have tickets to see Rod Stewart that night, and he agreed to accompany me. Because he was friends with some of my friends, I felt comfortable letting him pick me up, so we drove up to Saratoga together. It was good conversation on the way up, and when we got there we tailgated a bit next to an older couple who had us laughing. Things went shockingly well, and by the end of the concert, neither one of us were ready to leave. We sat on a bench at the pond in the park, talking and laughing, until early in the morning when he drove me home. A couple of kisses, and it was an almost-perfect night.
And then... the texts. He texted a lot. And it made me feel bad that I couldn't text back all the time because, you know, life. Work and exercise and eating healthy and being present with my kid are all big priorities in my life currently. And I started to feel bad that I wasn't giving this new guy much attention - and then I felt bad that I felt bad because why should I?! My kid is 100X more important than any man... so I found myself starting to look for reasons to jump ship.
And there they were: red flags. Like the fact that he'd just gotten out of a long term relationship the previous month. One month?! It took me almost 7 to get myself feeling ok enough again to just slowly dip my toe into the dating pool, and here he was diving in head first after a month... to each their own I guess. But the kicker was when he texted this after our second semi-date: I miss you.
You miss me?!?!? You barely even KNOW me. You've just scratched the surface... and I get it, I can be pretty awesome and fun to be around at times... but even if he did miss me... you don't tell someone that after date 2. Imagine if I had done that to a guy?! I'd never hear from him again. And I completely understand why.
It all made me feel like he wasn't really into me - he was into having a warm body next to him. And to be honest, I just wasn't feeling it the second date. So I let him down gently and went on my way.
And then it came - the "Nice Guy Syndrome" post. In the social group, he posted about why guys like him are still single - he's just too nice. And someone commented about how only a "damaged girl" wouldn't want a nice guy. And well.... I kind of lost my shit.
We're all damaged in some way, aren't we? But we don't go around calling that out in people. No. I didn't like him for a variety of reasons, but one of them was most certainly not because he was nice to me. My friend did an amazing post on the "Nice Guy Syndrome" here. I couldn't agree with it more. And it's exhausting to read constantly about how these self described nice guys can't get a date or meet a good woman because we hate nice guys. It's absurd.
We love nice guys. But we also love smart guys, and interesting guys, and guys that have their shit together, and guys that want more out of life than a partner, and guys that are considerate and caring, and a million other things. So what makes all these guys think that the one trait we're turned off by is "niceness"?? Maybe (as in this case) it was neediness. Or maybe it's bad breathe, or low self esteem, or no drive, or a million other things. What it comes down to is that we want more then just a nice dude. We want passion, understanding, someone that makes us think, question things and feel alive.... a true soul mate.
I figure, this time around, I want things to be different. I've settled before. It's made me so, so, so unhappy. I've dated the bad boys. I've dated the nice guys. I've dated the wrong guys. I've dated what felt like the right guys and had it fall apart. Some days it just feels like a crap shoot... and it mostly is. But somewhere, someday, I know... I'll meet someone worthy of my time, attention, and love.
Hope springs eternal.
So, dating in your thirties... you can set yourself on fire... or you can try, try again.
I know what I need to do.
After several months of no contact from my ex (and a world of getting my head straight after that train wreck), I finally decided that I felt ready to embark on the old "adventures in dating" life once again.
And then I had a bad date and crumble into a puddle of "I'm sure I can just stay single forever, right?! I mean, who needs human contact, anyway? And love? Psht. Way over rated."
Except it isn't. And so I'm back at it again.
My first date was a few weeks ago with a gentleman I met online. I'm not doing any of the traditional online dating sites (that's a whole other story for another time), but instead I've joined a few Facebook social groups. Occasionally there are events where you can meet people, and sometimes some witty banter in the group will lead to an exchange of messages. That's what happened when I started talking to "F".
We decided to go out on a Saturday night that I didn't have my daughter. I just so happened to have tickets to see Rod Stewart that night, and he agreed to accompany me. Because he was friends with some of my friends, I felt comfortable letting him pick me up, so we drove up to Saratoga together. It was good conversation on the way up, and when we got there we tailgated a bit next to an older couple who had us laughing. Things went shockingly well, and by the end of the concert, neither one of us were ready to leave. We sat on a bench at the pond in the park, talking and laughing, until early in the morning when he drove me home. A couple of kisses, and it was an almost-perfect night.
And then... the texts. He texted a lot. And it made me feel bad that I couldn't text back all the time because, you know, life. Work and exercise and eating healthy and being present with my kid are all big priorities in my life currently. And I started to feel bad that I wasn't giving this new guy much attention - and then I felt bad that I felt bad because why should I?! My kid is 100X more important than any man... so I found myself starting to look for reasons to jump ship.
And there they were: red flags. Like the fact that he'd just gotten out of a long term relationship the previous month. One month?! It took me almost 7 to get myself feeling ok enough again to just slowly dip my toe into the dating pool, and here he was diving in head first after a month... to each their own I guess. But the kicker was when he texted this after our second semi-date: I miss you.
You miss me?!?!? You barely even KNOW me. You've just scratched the surface... and I get it, I can be pretty awesome and fun to be around at times... but even if he did miss me... you don't tell someone that after date 2. Imagine if I had done that to a guy?! I'd never hear from him again. And I completely understand why.
It all made me feel like he wasn't really into me - he was into having a warm body next to him. And to be honest, I just wasn't feeling it the second date. So I let him down gently and went on my way.
And then it came - the "Nice Guy Syndrome" post. In the social group, he posted about why guys like him are still single - he's just too nice. And someone commented about how only a "damaged girl" wouldn't want a nice guy. And well.... I kind of lost my shit.
We're all damaged in some way, aren't we? But we don't go around calling that out in people. No. I didn't like him for a variety of reasons, but one of them was most certainly not because he was nice to me. My friend did an amazing post on the "Nice Guy Syndrome" here. I couldn't agree with it more. And it's exhausting to read constantly about how these self described nice guys can't get a date or meet a good woman because we hate nice guys. It's absurd.
We love nice guys. But we also love smart guys, and interesting guys, and guys that have their shit together, and guys that want more out of life than a partner, and guys that are considerate and caring, and a million other things. So what makes all these guys think that the one trait we're turned off by is "niceness"?? Maybe (as in this case) it was neediness. Or maybe it's bad breathe, or low self esteem, or no drive, or a million other things. What it comes down to is that we want more then just a nice dude. We want passion, understanding, someone that makes us think, question things and feel alive.... a true soul mate.
I figure, this time around, I want things to be different. I've settled before. It's made me so, so, so unhappy. I've dated the bad boys. I've dated the nice guys. I've dated the wrong guys. I've dated what felt like the right guys and had it fall apart. Some days it just feels like a crap shoot... and it mostly is. But somewhere, someday, I know... I'll meet someone worthy of my time, attention, and love.
Hope springs eternal.
So, dating in your thirties... you can set yourself on fire... or you can try, try again.
I know what I need to do.
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